


The Smell of Bread: Or How Important Connections Are Made

by TServo



Category: B.A.P.
Genre: Anxiety, Bakery, Hot Chocolate, M/M, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 05:17:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12976815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TServo/pseuds/TServo
Summary: Bang Yong Guk has been struggling to make and maintain relationships with people his whole life. Jung Dae Hyun wants nothing more than to foster a meaningful connection and to bake bread.





	1. Bread and Milk

**Author's Note:**

> I've been overthinking this one, so I'm just going to put it out there and see where it goes. Updates may not occur as regularly as some of the works I've done in the past, but they will happen and I always finish a story.
> 
> Thanks to KpopontheDL and Guster02 for all of the support and suggestions.

This wasn’t the first time he had stood in the dark alley smelling the air and watching the man, the baker, work his way meticulously through his early morning routine. The first time it had happened, Yong Guk had been closing up his new tattoo parlor for the night. It had been six months ago, around 3:00 in the morning, a session with a client having gone well beyond the time he had estimated because the man had needed far more breaks from the needle than Yong Guk would ever have anticipated. But he loved the piece he designed and he loved his job. As he had locked the door and slipped his keys into his front pocket, there had been a racket from one of the shops a few doors down and across the narrow lane. It had sounded like metal clanging against the ground. He’d never seen anyone in the alley this late at night, or early in the morning before, and the intrusion felt both unexpected and potentially unwelcome. Yong Guk had stuck close to the wall and made his way in that direction, planning to check out the situation and maybe even confront it if it seemed like something he could handle on his own.

He had found a slim man with tired eyes righting a garbage can he had knocked over before unlocking the back door of a bakery. The man flipped on the lights to reveal a large kitchen and propped the door open with a cinder block to let the cool air circulate through the room. Yong Guk, standing in the shadows, watched as the man pulled milk from a fridge and set it on a center island before disappearing from view for a moment, returning with a small porcelain bowl in his hand. He filled the bowl with milk and came back to the door, crouching down to set it just outside. The man pursed his lips and made exaggerated kissing sounds into the stillness before calling out at a conversational volume, “Kitty, kitty, kitty.”

The sound of his voice, so loud compared to the silence of the alley, had made Yong Guk jump. He had reached back to the steady himself against the stone wall behind him and had ended up just leaning back against it, getting comfortable and watching the man greet a stray cat that had come running at his call. The cat, one Yong Guk had tried to befriend on a couple of occasions, had seemed skittish and untrusting when he had attempted to pet it. But without hesitation, it had padded straight up to this man and rubbed its face on his outstretched hand as if reaffirming an existing truce. The baker had smiled at the animal and whispered to it. They were too far away for Yong Guk to make out any of the words, but the murmured sounds were friendly and soothing. It had been a long time since he’d had that kind of conversation, that kind of relationship, with another person.  

While it was a little chilly leaning against the brick wall, he felt the tiniest bit warmer knowing that there was someone in the middle of the night willing to take care of a stray. He also felt a little lonelier because that someone had already found a stray to care for. His first instinct was that he was being stupid, almost wishing he could change places with the cat, but after years of pushing himself down, and months of therapy, he was desperately trying to stop discounting his feelings.  He was trying to own and explore, rather than suppress, them and end up in yet another dark headspace or the hospital.

Yong Guk watched the man give the cat one last stroke from the tip of its nose to the end of its curling tail before standing up. He stretched up to his full height, hands pressed to the small of his back and released a delicious yawn before shaking his head as if to wake himself up. He was beautifully silhouetted by the light of the kitchen, showing he was tall and very lean, with a long slim neck and a narrow chin.

The cat had started drinking the milk and the man returned to the kitchen, moving out of sight. Yong Guk had stayed, watching as the baker, with his straight dark hair now covered by a bandana, turned on the ovens, kneaded countless balls of proofed dough, shaped loaves, and mixed ingredients in huge, stainless steel bowls. The sun had started to peek over the buildings before Yong Guk had found it in himself to leave, to go home to his quiet apartment and think through what had made him stay in the alley for so long, or why he’d felt such a deep sense of peace in his gut if not his mind.

Yong Guk had again found himself staying late at the shop a few days later, locking the door around 3:00 in the morning, stomach curling in anticipation of maybe watching the same man go through the same routine for the second time. He wanted to know if he could repeat the experience, to find out what exactly about it had soothed him, to maybe feel again the sense of relief at knowing that there was someone out there that cared enough to put out a bowl of milk even if it wasn’t for him. He’d moved quietly down the alley, keep his steps as light as he could wearing heavy boots. He stopped in a shadow to watch the baker set a bowl on the ground and make the kissing sounds again.

The pattern repeated. Yong Guk, through trial and error, had worked out that this particular baker, worked the early morning shift four days a week - Monday and Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. There was another man that worked the other three days. He also propped the door open and methodically went through the routine of making sure the bread was prepared, and the shop was ready to open when the first customers showed up, but it wasn’t the same. The cat didn’t get fed, the air didn’t smell quite as warm, and Yong Guk didn’t go home with the taste of comfort on his tongue. He didn’t stay at his tattoo parlor quite as late on those days. There really wasn’t a point.

He had never exactly hidden from the baker, with the exception of keeping his distance, but he hadn’t drawn attention to himself either. Once or twice, he had sworn that the man had looked up in his direction at the sound of his footsteps or the creaking of his leather jacket, but he had never acknowledged his presence otherwise. Yong Guk didn’t know if the man knew about him creepily standing there and had chosen to ignore him, or if he was completely oblivious. A part of him hoped that he was aware, that he accepted his presence and was ok with it.

Yong Guk had gone as far as going into the bakery when he had known that the man would be working, that he had prepared the bread. He had pointed at the loaf he wanted rather than speaking out loud and accepted it directly from the man’s hands. The baker, his baker, had looked more awake than he did first thing in the morning. He’d still had tired eyes, but he seemed alert and observant, taking in Yong Guk’s appearance before smiling at him almost knowingly with his full lips. His skin was smooth and pale and he had a mole just under his left eye. Yong Guk had read the nametag on his white chef’s jacket, Dae Hyun, and rolled the syllables around his tongue without saying them out loud. The interaction was brief and professional, but Yong Guk’s skin had tingled for minutes after had he left the shop.

Tonight, it was a little after 3:00 am when Yong Guk tucked himself into the shadows. The door was already open and propped and the lights in the kitchen were on. Dae Hyun was out of sight, but Yong Guk could hear the familiar opening and closing of cupboards, the rattling of dishes. Minutes later, he watched as the man appeared in the doorway and squatted to set the bowl on the ground with one hand. He’d already tied his apron around his waist and had put the familiar red bandana over his hair. He called to the cat, almost distractedly, as he turned and set a white mug on the cinder block holding the door open. He looked up, directly toward the shadows where Yong Guk had been standing, smiled, and nodded in the direction of the coffee cup. The cat arrived, he patted its head, murmuring kind words, and went back into the kitchen to work, leaving the mug behind.

Yong Guk hesitated. He knew. Dae Hyun clearly knew that he was out here. He’d never given it away. He’d never seemed weirded out or scared, but clearly, he knew, and he was offering Yong Guk the opportunity to take a small part in the morning routine. He’d never considered what he would do if he were discovered, if he were asked to be a part of the ritual. He’d have to think about it. He’d have to decide if the potential for a more meaningful connection was worth losing what he had gotten out of merely observing the scene. He was over-analyzing, he knew he was, but that was as much a part of him as the tattoos across his chest, and loneliness in his bones. He’d have to think about it.

Yong Guk left then, skipping out on the rest of the morning. He walked down the alley and along the still lamp-lit sidewalks mulling over and over in his mind whether or not he should have accepted the offered drink. He walked the entire way to his rooftop apartment. His business was doing well and he didn’t have much debt, he could afford a much better place to live, but he’d chosen this apartment because of the views. Being on top of a tall building meant that the air was cooler, windier, but it also meant that he had an almost unobstructed view for blocks. He could watch people going about their days, or their nights - parents herding children, pet owners walking dogs, business professionals hurriedly going from their homes to the office or from the office to their homes. It gave him something to do with his eyes when his mind wouldn’t let him sleep. The rooftop apartment wasn’t exactly nice, but it was enough.

He climbed the stairs to the top of the building and dropped onto the wide wooden bench he’d constructed there. He kicked off his boots, letting them tumble to the floor of the makeshift patio, and slipped out of his leather jacket, letting the wind nip at his skin as he stretched out to look at the dark, starless sky. He was relieved that he hadn’t taken the drink, and yet he also knew that he should have taken it. His months, or years, of self-isolation, of separating himself from any potential connection, were not providing him the peace of mind he had hoped they would. They weren’t keeping him safe.

He should have taken the drink. Maybe he’d have another chance. Maybe.

 


	2. Hot Chocolate Between Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are finally talking

Dae Hyun arrived at the bakery a few minutes earlier than usual in the hopes of getting the hot chocolate ready before the man from the tattoo shop came down the alley. He wanted to make sure that he had it prepared and ready so he could set it outside before the man thought he’d missed his last opportunity the morning before. 

He’d known that the tattoo artist had been watching him, leaning against the wall in his leather jacket and ripped up jeans, for at least a couple of months. At first, it had felt weird. Dae Hyun had wondered if he was being stalked - he kind of was - but he’d quickly come to the conclusion that it was less about being the object of someone’s unhealthy obsession and more about being the subject of someone’s need for connection. He’d kind of identified with that feeling and grown comfortable with it. More than comfortable, if he was being honest with himself.

The man had come into the bakery once, pointed at a loaf and paid in cash. He hadn’t spoken a word, but his dark eyes had told stories. He was clearly lonely, his lips had pulled into a smile of appreciation, his curly hair brushing his sharp cheekbones, but it seemed almost as if he were out of practice in dealing with people. He’d looked at Dae Hyun as if he had wanted to greet an old friend, or maybe reach out a hand to be pulled out of himself. It made Dae Hyun’s heart hurt, but he had held himself back. He had seemed skittish, almost like the black and white cat Dae Hyun had been feeding out of the back door of the bakery. Dae Hyun had a soft spot for strays, he’d been made fun of for years by family and friends for all of the animals he’d ended up tending. But this felt like more, this felt like a connection that needed to be made, not just for the man, but for himself as well.  

He had finally decided in the last week that it was time to offer up something to drink, like an invitation to be a part of the morning in a more complete way, to be a part of  _ his  _ morning instead of dancing around the periphery. He’d prepared hot chocolate and set it out in the alley, finally acknowledging the other man’s presence with nothing more than a nod. He wasn’t surprised when the man hadn’t taken it, but he hoped that he hadn’t scared him off entirely. It had taken the cat several weeks to be comfortable enough with the offered milk before it would take the tiniest of sips. Dae Hyun had no idea how long it would take a grown man to do the same. He continued to prepare the drink and set it outside each morning he was on the early shift, collecting the still full mug just before he opened the bakery for the line of waiting customers.  

This morning, he’d put on his apron and hair covering and prepared the hot chocolate, pulling out some marshmallows to be added just before setting it outside. He didn’t want them to melt entirely before the other man had a chance to even see them. He poured the milk into the bowl for the cat and carried both dishes to the door. The air outside was cool and crisp and the breeze was welcome in the rapidly heating kitchen. The ovens were large and took up a full wall, the heat they emitted could be stifling if the door to the outside was left closed. 

Dae Hyun crouched down to set the bowl on the ground and the mug on the cinder block. He called out to the cat and smiled to himself as he caught sight of it running toward him down the alley. “You pretty little thing.” He whispered, reaching out his hand. The cat nosed at his fingertips in greeting before bowing slighting as an invitation for Dae Hyun to begin petting it. He ran his hand through the cat’s sleek fur, rubbing small bits of hair between his fingers to feel the texture of it against his skin. The cat purred before ducking out of reach, ready to drink the milk greedily. Dae Hyun smiled down at the cat, watching it’s serpentine tail curl around its body as it crouched lower to gain better access to the milk. 

He heard tentative footsteps moving toward him. Dae Hyun swiveled on the balls of his feet, looking toward the man as he made his approach. He bowed his head in greeting, “Good morning,” he said, his voice low like a whisper.

His visitor bowed his head in return, his eyes searching Dae Hyun’s face for something. Seeming to find it, a small smile tugged at his lips, “Morning. I...I’m sorry to intrude.”

“Nope. Not an intrusion. I invited you,” Dae Hyun nodded toward the mug, the edges of the fluffy white marshmallows visible over the top edge. “That’s for you. I’m guessing you haven’t slept yet, so I didn’t want to make you coffee. I hope this is ok.”

“It’s...perfect actually.” The man hesitated, his hands at his sides, his fingers curling into fists before relaxing. “I’m Yong Guk. Bang Yong Guk. I own the tattoo shop just down there.” He lifted his hand and pointed at the shop that Dae Hyun knew to be his. 

“I’m Jung Dae Hyun. I’m a baker here. But I guess you knew that part.” Dae Hyun picked up the mug and held it out to Yong Guk. “I also make a damn good hot chocolate.”

Yong Guk reached out and took the mug, holding it between his cupped palms. His shoulders seemed to relax as the warmth worked its way into his fingers. “I’m sorry,” his voice was so deep Dae Hyun felt goosebumps raise on his arms from the sheer pleasure of it.

“Sorry?” Dae Hyun stood up slowly, his eyebrows drawing together in genuine confusion.

“Sorry if I’ve been creeping you out. Sorry that I’ve been watching you.” Yong Guk looked into the mug, not yet having taken a sip, “I just...The cat seems so happy to see you and the air smells so good when you’re working. It was relaxing after working all night and then it became a habit. So, I’m sorry.”

“Do you have any idea how lonely it is to come to work at 3:00 in the morning?” Dae Hyun asked. “I know you’ve worked  _ until _ 3:00 in the morning, but do you know how lonely it is to actually be starting your day before the sun is even thinking about coming up? It’s different from ending your day when it’s dark.”

Yong Guk thought about the question, considered the sentiment. “I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

Dae Hyun smirked, “Well, don’t think about it too hard. I’m probably being dramatic. It doesn’t even really mean anything,” Dae Hyun shrugged and smiled brightly at Yong Guk, nodding toward the mug, “ It’s just something to put up with so I can bake bread. Now, drink.”

Yong Guk put the mug to his lips and took a sip, seeming to test the temperature of the liquid before risking a larger swallow. “It’s good.”

“It’s not good,” Dae Hyun rolled his eyes, “It’s the best. Take another drink. You’ll see.”

Yong Guk snorted out a small laugh before taking another swallow, “Ok, it’s the best.”

“Obviously.” Dae Hyun felt a thrill at the compliment he had forced from Yong Guk, “Leave the mug at the door when you’re done. Some of us have to get to work or the customers won’t be pleased. They turn violent if I don’t get the bread in the ovens.” 

“Thank you.” Yong Guk wrapped his fingers around the porcelain tightly for a second before loosening his grip and holding it out toward Dae Hyun. A measure of sadness returned to his eyes, deepening their color. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“The invitation stands, you know.” Dae Hyun smiled, “You can come anytime. You don’t have to talk to me, but I like knowing you’re there.” He hesitated, wondering if he had pushed too far again.

Yong Guk bowed his head without a word. He turned and walked down the alley toward the street.

Dae Hyun looked at the half-full mug in his hand, tracing the handle with his thumb. He felt a little empty inside knowing that the Yong Guk hadn’t finished the hot chocolate. But he knew without a doubt that he would eventually. 

 


	3. Kitty Treats for Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Always remember to exchange phone numbers

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Yong Guk had accepted his first mug of hot chocolate from Dae Hyun, and continued to accept the drink each morning that Dae Hyun worked. They had quickly and easily settled into a comfortable pattern of wooing the cat, drinking a warm mug of chocolate, and talking about nothing (which was everything to Yong Guk) while Dae Hyun worked. Yong Guk felt the tension in his chest loosen and the loneliness in his bones seep away with each sunrise. He wasn’t sure what their relationship was, he feared it meant more to him than it did to Dae Hyun, but he was content to have this two-sided give and take with someone during the intimate pre-dawn hours. 

There were moments, some as short as a single breath, others longer and more drawn out, where Yong Guk could have sworn that Dae Hyun was looking at him with the same questions in his eyes that Yong Guk had running through his own mind. Was this more than a generous man caring for a stray? Were they more than two souls who both happened to be awake when the rest of the world was asleep? Was there more? Could there be more?

Yong Guk wanted more.

They learned about each other in those early morning hours.  He learned that despite Dae Hyun’s warmth and bravado, he was actually reticent in conversation, not giving much away. He would lick his lips nervously as he seemed to weigh every word before sharing it, and would watch Yong Guk closely as if he needed reassurance in order to continue. Yong Guk, on the contrary, tended to be quieter but blunt, saying what he thought or felt without consideration of the impact it might have. The only thing he kept close to his chest was how beautiful he thought Dae Hyun was, how the baker made him feel calm and accepted. How he hoped that he was giving Dae Hyun something in return.

This morning he had been later than usual, wrapping up some accounting for the tattoo parlor before stepping into the dark alley and locking the door. He listened for the telltale click of the deadbolt slipping into place before stepping into the pool of light from a streetlamp near the mouth of the alley. He no longer felt the need to stay in the shadows, knowing he was expected and beginning to feel like he was accepted, maybe even wanted. He inhaled the cool night air and expelled the stale breath that had settled into his lungs after so many hours inside. Though his expression stayed placid, he felt contentment settle into his joints at the knowledge that he was done for the night, that he was about to talk with Dae Hyun. He would take his position against the wall just inside the kitchen as the baker worked, and enjoy the feeling of being a part of something. A part of this particular something. He whistled a little as he turned on his heel and started down the alley. 

Within a few short steps, Yong Guk felt apprehension begin to replace the anticipation he had been feeling. The alley, despite his lateness, was too dark. As he drew closer, Yong Guk saw that the back door to the bakery was still closed and the lights were off. He walked up to the door and reached out, hand hesitating over the handle for a beat before he wrapped his fingers around the metal and tugged. It was locked. He furrowed his brow, gaze dropping to his feet, as he backed away from the door. Dae Hyun had been so consistent, not missing a day in months, Yong Guk wasn’t sure what to do with this. He reached his fingers into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his phone, unlocking the screen before remembering that he didn't have Dae Hyun’s contact information. 

Surely the bakery wouldn’t stay closed because one man wasn’t able to come in. Someone would arrive soon to walk through the morning routine - even if it wasn’t  _ their  _ morning routine - preparing the bread, opening the doors, serving the customers. He could ask whomever it was what had happened to Dae Hyun. 

Yong Guk slid his phone back into his pocket before running his fingers through his shaggy hair, unsure of what to do. He looked back down the alley toward his own shop, looking into the darkness as he tried to rifle through his thoughts and choose a course of action. He could go back to the shop and prep for his afternoon shift. He had other artists scheduled to come in for the day, but he could work on the large complicated piece he had been commissioned to do or prep his space for the appointments he knew he had later that night. Or he could easily go home, chalking up the absence to some normal life circumstance. It was Friday, Dae Hyun was scheduled to work tomorrow, he could just come back and check on him then. They didn’t have each other’s contact information, he certainly didn’t have the right to demand Dae Hyun’s whereabouts from some poor guy called into work on what was presumably his day off. He should go home. He should sleep.

Distracted by movement in the darkness, Yong Guk cocked his head to the side and squinted his eyes toward the shadows. The black and white stray cat, Dae Hyun’s cat, made its way toward him. They had recently become tentative friends, the creature allowing Yong Guk to run his fingers around its ears and along its spine in exchange for small treats that he had purchased on a whim from an over-priced, bourgeois pet store he passed on his way home. Dae Hyun had laughed at him for bringing the treats, said he was spoiling the cat, but Yong Guk had noticed the approval in his smile and had felt warmth curling through his veins. 

He leaned over and ran his finger over the cat’s forehead, “Hey pretty, where’s your savior?” The cat looked up at him, wending it’s way between his feet, pressing its cheeks into the ankles of his heavy boots. Yong Guk pulled the wadded bag of treats from his pocket and opened it, the cat stopping its figure eight pattern at the sound of the packaging. “I don’t have any milk, but I’ll give you some extra treats for breakfast.” He pulled out three of the small, brown pellets and held them out in his palm. The cat sniffed at his fingers before taking one of the treats in its mouth. Yong Guk dropped the other two onto the ground for the cat to savor at its own pace. He ran his palm along the cat’s back in several long, slow strokes, murmuring quiet nonsensical phrases as he had seen Dae Hyun do on countless occasions. “He’ll be back tomorrow, right? Our boy’ll be back tomorrow.” 

But he wasn’t. Yong Guk had locked the back door to the tattoo parlor and walked down the alley pretending that worry hadn’t settled into his chest. Relief flooding his system when he saw the door propped open, but dissipating just as quickly as he recognized the other baker, the one from Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday, moving around the kitchen, face tired and annoyed. Yong Guk moved to the doorway, noticing the cat sitting next to the cinderblock doorstop hungrily waiting. He hesitated before clearing his throat to alert the baker to his presence. The man jumped, dropping a ball of dough onto the floured counter, and clutched at his chest.

“What the fuck, man?” he spit out, more shocked than angry, “We don’t have any money yet and the breads not done. We aren’t worth robbing.”

Yong Guk smirked, “I’m not here to rob you. I...I have the tattoo place down the alley.”

“So, what, you here for breakfast or something? I told you nothing’s ready yet,” the man gestured at the raw dough proofing on the racks lining the walls and at the dough he was working on the counter, “You can move along.”

“No. I...Dae Hyun...I’m friends with Dae Hyun.” Yong Guk felt incredibly self-conscious, the word ‘friends’ feeling unfamiliar and distinctly wrong on his tongue.  The ease he had settled into in this kitchen was being stifled by this stranger’s presence. 

“Ah, that guy?” the man nodded, “He’s not here. He’s not coming in today.”

Yong Guk waited, hoping the man would elaborate without him having to ask. He didn’t like how the baker dismissed Dae Hyun, making him sound unimportant as if he weren’t integral to Yong Guk’s...something. Integral to something. That’s how Yong Guk thought of him. 

“You just going to stand there? That jerk’s not here. I’d love to be able to stand around and chat, but I have to work. On my day off,” he gave Yong Guk a pointed look, clearly indicating that his presence was in some way inhibiting him from accomplishing his tasks. 

Yong Guk clenched his jaw, his hands curling into fists at his sides. His muscles tensed, his body reacting to the audacity of this man, his rude behavior, and his obvious dislike of Dae Hyun, or at least at whatever had happened to Dae Hyun to keep him away from the bakery during his early morning shifts. “Give me his number.”

“His number? I thought you were friends, you don’t have it?” The baker shook his head and put his hands back into the dough, kneading it rhythmically on the countertop. 

“I’ve never needed it before,” Yong Guk pushed a breath out between his pursed lips, “Give me his number.”

“Look, man, I don’t have it. We aren’t exactly friends,” he reached into an open bag of flour sitting on the counter next to where he was working, sprinkling some onto the ball of dough, “The owner arranges our schedules and makes sure that shifts are covered.” 

Knowing he could be physically intimidating, with his height, wild hair, and exposed tattoos, Yong Guk stared at the baker, not making a sound.

“Shit man, look, I think I have his address or something in my phone,” he wiped his hands on his apron, sticky pieces of dough still clinging to his fingers, and pulled his phone from the back pocket of his pants. He swiped his fingers over the screen and seemed to scroll through his texts or contacts. “Here. Here it is in an old text. I had to drop something off at his apartment once for the boss.” He read off the address and shoved his phone back into his pocket, wiping his nose with the back of his hand before grabbing the dough again.

“Wash your hands, asshole.” Yong Guk sneered in disgust and turned to leave. He paused for only a moment, reaching into his pocket for the bag of treats and dropping a few on the ground for the cat, still sitting patiently by the open door.

  
  



	4. Porridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Dae Hyun was easy.

Dae Hyun hefted the heavy bags in his hands, trying to shift the handles to keep them from cutting off the circulation in his fingers. He was exhausted, having been up and down all night caring for his friend’s sick child. They lived in the apartment above him, this noona, the daughter of his parent’s best friends, and her daughter.  As part of the janitorial staff at a large corporation, she worked overnight cleaning offices. She had only recently gotten the position and had been unable to take time away from her job when her daughter had fallen ill. Dae Hyun, on his day off, had offered to stay with the child overnight. One night had turned into three and Dae Hyun was sure that he was testing the patience of his boss. 

And he missed Yong Guk. 

On the second night, the night before his missed shift, he had looked up the number for the tattoo parlor and had gone so far as to call, hanging up before anyone answered. The more he let himself think about Yong Guk, about their budding friendship, the more he felt doubt color his perception. He knew that the tattoo artist was lonely, that he was looking for someone to connect with, but Dae Hyun didn’t know if that connection was anything more than hot chocolate and a bowl of milk. He didn’t want to hear confusion or dismissal in Yong Guk’s voice, asking why he’d bothered to call. He didn’t want to find out that Yong Guk didn’t miss him in the same way. 

His noona had gotten home just over an hour ago, and Dae Hyun, noticing how little food they had in their apartment, had run to the store for some staples to tide them over. He’d told her that he wouldn’t be able to stay home with her daughter that night, having agreed to switch shifts with his counterpart rather than simply take the time off, but he wanted to make sure that he had set them up to be able to stay inside while the little girl recuperated. 

Dae Hyun carefully picked his way up the crumbling steps leading to the first-floor apartment. He rang the bell and waited for the woman to answer the door, passing the bags to her and bowing with a smile. He was tired, but she was clearly worse off. It broke his heart knowing she didn’t have someone, a partner, to help her. He went back down the stairs, stopping at the bottom to look up at the sky, feeling the heat of the morning sun prick at his skin. He rolled his head from the right to the left and back again, working out the kinks of having attempted to sleep on a too-short, lumpy couch. He turned past the steps and skipped down the few stairs to his own shitty basement apartment, stopping short at the bottom to pull his keys out from his pocket.

“You’re here,” At the sound of Yong Guk’s deep voice behind him, Dae Hyun stood up straighter, not daring to turn around for fear that he was hearing things. “Are you ok?”

Dae Hyun slowly turned, squinting against the sun shining brightly behind Yong Guk, casting his face in shadow, “You found me?”

“I’m sorry. Again. For stalking you.” As Dae Hyun’s eyes adjusted to the light, he saw the distressed look on Yong Guk’s face, the uncertainty in his eyes. “I swear I’m not stalking you. I was just...worried.” 

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry for looking for me.” Dae Hyun pulled his lips into what he hoped was a reassuring smile rather than the overly pleased one he feared it might be. “You were worried?”

Yong Guk held out his hand, dangling a plastic bag in his grip, “I brought some porridge. I...you’re always giving me stuff. I wanted to give you something. I thought you might be sick.” 

“It’s not me. I was helping someone. Her kid...It’s a long story, but it’s ok now...she’s ok. I’m just tired.” Dae Hyun fidgeted with the keys in his hand, “Do you wanna come in?”

Yong Guk took a step closer, moving down a single stair, hesitating a little as if needing to be coaxed, “Is that ok?” 

“Yeah. Yes. It’s ok.” Dae Hyun stepped back toward the door, turning to push the key into the lock, “We can share the porridge.”

Yong Guk moved down the remaining steps, “I...I missed you. The last two mornings. The cat and I missed you being there and the other guy is a dick.” 

Dae Hyun paused, feeling out the words Yong Guk had said, almost envious of how easily he just put things out there, not really worrying about the consequences. He felt warmed by the words, happy, thrilled. He wished he could just get over himself and share the sentiment, “The other guy  _ is _ a dick, but he’s a decent baker.” Dae Hyun pushed open his door, lifting it a little by the handle so it would clear the uneven floor.

“He’s disgusting. I saw him wipe his nose and then touch the bread.” Yong Guk followed him, pausing just inside the doorway as if afraid to step all the way inside.

“Well, that’s...not ok.” Dae Hyun kicked off his shoes and swept them to the side with his foot, clearing a path for Yong Guk. He reached out and took the plastic bag from the other man’s hand to bring it to the small, low table he used for eating his meals. “Come in. It’s not much, but it’s...well, I don’t even really count it as home, but it’s where I sleep.”

Yong Guk untied his boots and pulled them off his feet. He lined them up carefully next to the door and slid his leather jacket from his shoulders, holding it in his hands. He wore a short-sleeved t-shirt, revealing intricate wording on his inner bicep. The loose collar exposed more ink along his collarbone, hinting at a larger work on his chest. Dae Hyun sucked in a silent breath, Yong Guk was beautiful. 

“Come and sit,” Dae Hyun gestured to the table, moving to the minuscule kitchen to grab bowls and spoons from the drying rack next to the sink. He stopped, holding the utensils to his chest as if using them as a shield, “I...I missed you too. The last couple of days. I missed you both.”

“I was hoping,” Yong Guk’s lips pulled into a shy smile. “The cat and I discussed it and we think you should give us your number. Just in case. We think we should be able to reach you.”

Dae Hyun snorted, dropping his arms to his sides, relaxing at the joke, “She didn’t tell you? The cat? She has my number. She’s had it all along, that little minx.”

“That’s the last time I buy her those damned expensive treats,” Yong Guk shook his head in mock despair.  

“I want to believe you,” Dae Hyun furrowed his brow, walking over to the table and dropping down to sit on the floor across from Yong Guk, “but I’ve seen the way you look at her. She has you wrapped around her little paw.” 

“She’s a flirt. I’m only nice to her because she’s your cat,” Yong Guk took the porridge from the bag and opened the lid. He accepted a spoon from Dae Hyun and divvied it up between the two bowls. 

“She’s not my cat,” Dae Hyung pulled one of the bowls closer to himself and took a bite, “This is really good. Where did you get it?”

“There’s a halmeoni that sells it from her apartment not far from my place. I like to buy it from her when I can,” he blew on a spoonful, watching the steam rising from the bowl despite it having been transported in a cheap styrofoam container. “And what do you mean she’s not your cat?”

“She’s a stray. Nobody owns her.” Dae Hyun shrugged, “I don’t know that she wants to be owned, not all animals make good pets. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some attention, but they aren’t necessarily in it for keeps.”

Yong Guk set his spoon down, shifting his position on the floor uncomfortably. He was silent for several minutes before he asked, “How can you tell? How do you know she doesn’t want to be owned? What if she’s just waiting for the day you bring her home?”

“Well,” Dae Hyun said, considering the question, “she runs away after she drinks the milk. Every day she comes up and lets me pet her, but as soon as the milk is gone, she takes off without a backward glance.”

Yong Guk stilled, “Maybe she’s scared.”

“Of me?” Dae Hyun asked, feeling the shift in conversation as if they were no longer talking about the cat.

“Maybe of you. Maybe of more than you,” Yong Guk shook his head as if to clear it, “I don’t know. She’s a cat. Their brains are like the size of walnuts, who knows what they’re feeling.” He picked up his spoon and started eating again.

Dae Hyun took several bites of the porridge while he considered Yong Guk’s words. He wasn’t entirely sure he knew what the conversation had really been about. He often felt like maybe he was missing some of the subtext when Yong Guk asked him seemingly inconsequential questions with unnecessary intensity. Sometimes it felt like a test and he wasn’t sure that he was doing very well. He looked at Yong Guk closely, watching the way he ate methodically. His first few bites had been with relish as if the simple porridge had been the best thing he’d had in years, but now it seemed like the food had lost all taste. He looked like he was eating out of necessity. 

“Are you ok?” Dae Hyun finally asked several minutes later, pushing his now mostly empty bowl to the side. “I mean, like really ok?”

Yong Guk looked up at him with a surprised look on his face as if completely taken aback by the question, “I’m fine. Why?”

“I don’t know, something changed. You seemed…” Dae Hyun struggled to find the right words, “relaxed before. Now you seem kind of guarded. Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no, of course not. We were just talking about the cat.” he put his spoon on the table and looked up at Dae Hyun with a weak smile, “I’m just tired. It was a long night at the shop and I haven’t slept yet.”

“Oh my God, I didn’t even think about that. I’m so sorry,” Dae Hyun grabbed his bowl and spoon from the table and the empty bag and styrofoam container as he stood up. “If you’re too tired you can sleep here. I was going to...I don’t know what I was planning to do, but you’re welcome to sleep. If you need it. Here.” He bowed his head in disgust at his own awkward behavior. He was usually so good at talking to people without actually telling them anything, but there was something about Yong Guk that made him want to be more genuine. It was proving more difficult than he thought it should be.

There was a knock on the door before Yong Guk could respond to the somewhat bungled offer.  The door flew open and a tiny girl in pajamas and no shoes rushed into the small space. “Oppa! Oppa, I’m so awake and Eomma is sleeping!”

Dae Hyun felt the tension of his conversation more acutely now that it had been interrupted by the small girl from the upstairs apartment. He hadn’t recognized just how many layers of nuance had been wrapped around every word they had exchanged until they had been interrupted. He wasn’t sure what he had missed, but he knew that it was probably important. 

“Did you come down here because you’re lonely?” he asked the girl, “aren’t you supposed to be in bed getting better?”

“I already feel better,” the girl sighed out with exasperation, “I haven’t thrown up in  _ hours. _ ” She looked around the room as if trying to take it all in with a single glance. Her eyes stopped on Yong Guk sitting at the table, “Why do you look sad?”

It wasn’t the question Dae Hyun had anticipated from the girl. He had thought she would ask who Yong Guk was, or why he was there, but he hadn’t thought she would make such an astute observation. Yong Guk did look sad. He hadn’t looked sad when he’d gotten there, he’d looked concerned. But sometime over the last forty-five minutes, his mood, his demeanor, had shifted. He was sad. 

“I’m not sad,” Yong Guk put on a smile, “I was just thinking. Sometimes I think too hard and it makes my face funny.”

“Don’t do that,” the girl scrunched up her face, “it’s scary.” She flitted over to Dae Hyun and wrapped her arms around his waist in a tight hug.

“It is scary,” Yong Guk said quietly, “for me too.” He stood up from the table and walked to the entryway, leaving a wide berth around where Dae Hyun and the girl were standing.

The front door opened again and a petite, tired-looking woman walked in as if she owned the place. She went directly to Dae Hyun and the little girl, “I told you not to leave the house without telling me, even if it’s to go here,” she scolded the child. The little girl burrowed deeper into Dae Hyun’s side. “You shouldn’t encourage her, Dae Hyun.”

“I didn’t!” Dae Hyun defended himself, “I swear I was just eating with…” he gestured toward Yong Guk with his free hand. The woman turned to look toward the stranger she’d passed by on her way into the room, stepping closer to Dae Hyun she grabbed his raised hand, lacing their fingers together almost possessively.

“And who is this?” She asked, eyes shifting between them.

“My...friend,” Dae Hyun said, sounding a little breathless even to his own ears. 

“Friend?” the woman asked, tugging Dae Hyun closer to her side.

“I should go. I should give you guys...space,” Yong Guk said, bowing toward the threesome on the far side of the room.

“You don’t have to go.” Dae Hyun said, rubbing the small girl’s back with his open palm while he pulled his other hand from the woman’s grasp, “I don’t want you to go.” 

“Oppa made me feel better. You should let him make you feel better too,” the girl said, smiling up at Dae Hyun with veritable hearts in her eyes. The woman snorted softly.

“I’ll see you. In the morning, or whenever you’re back,” Yong Guk pulled on his boots without tying them and opened the door. Still standing with his back to the room he paused, “And he does make me feel better, I just don’t know if that’s ok.” He left without looking back. 

  
  



	5. Citron Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Bang Yong Guk backstory.

Yong Guk unlocked his apartment door and entered, slipping his feet out of his still untied boots and setting them neatly aside. He shrugged off his leather jacket and hung it on the hook by the door then closed his eyes and let out a breathy laugh, more out of frustration than humor. He was always doing that, always overthinking things and complicating situations needlessly. Of course Dae Hyun had people, had a person. He and the woman had looked so close. The little girl obviously adored him and he her. They looked beautiful together, the three of them.

He’d repeated this mistake over and over throughout his life, this state of wanting more than he’d ever deserved. When he’d been small, he’d been envious of the other families he’d seen in the neighborhood. It wasn’t that he’d been beaten or neglected, but he’d been almost inconsequential. His parents both worked, doing their best to maintain what they had considered an acceptable minimum standard of living during a nationwide economic crisis. They worked long hours and when they were done, they spent time out of the home with separate friends, leading separate lives. Yong Guk and his older sister, his noona, had been left to make their own meals, entertain themselves, put themselves to bed. He was well into his teens before he realized that the marriage had been one of necessity, a kind of familial business arrangement, rather than one of love or even fondness. 

As the economy improved and South Korea began to feel the promises inherent of a first world nation, wealth, time, and increased freedom, their parents had tried to insert themselves back into their everyday lives. They made strict rules for their now teenage children and had expectations of good grades, college, marriage, and at least the appearance of love and respect in the home. Yong Guk’s sister hadn’t handled the intrusions into their routine very well. She’d reached her limit and rebelled, dropping out of school and moving in with friends, she’d cut off ties with their parents and as a consequence, with Yong Guk. 

He and his noona had been exceptionally close from the time they were very young and her leaving them, leaving him, had been almost more than he could bear. That had been the first time that Yong Guk had slipped into himself. His brain wouldn’t turn off, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he could barely breathe. The pressure he felt inside of himself pushed out and up against the inside of his skin and he didn’t know how to release it. He hadn’t cut himself, hadn’t harmed himself, but he’d wanted to. After weeks of this, weeks of trying to hold himself together, he’d given up. He’d never made a conscious decision to end anything, he’d just simply given up. That was the first time he’d been hospitalized - for exhaustion. His parents would never have admitted that their son had any sort of weakness. 

The second time he’d been hospitalized had come out of nowhere. He’d been going to school, getting decent grades, following the rules, biding his time, when sleep had just stopped coming. At first he’d just lie in bed staring at the ceiling until gray light began to creep in through the window. Eventually he’d started kneeling next to his window, looking at the skyline before giving up on going to his bedroom altogether, choosing instead to wander the streets at night. It had been February and the temperatures after the sun went down had dipped well below freezing. Someone had found him in the neighborhood playground on the swings just kind of staring off into the night. They’d taken him to the emergency department and he’d been admitted that night.  

It had taken a long time and the help of an inpatient physician for him to even realize that it was depression and anxiety. It was his brain doing it’s damnedest to ruin his life, and it was up to him to figure out how to continue to function knowing that this was who he was and how he would have to live. The doctor had told him that with the right medication and therapy and the support of his friends and family, he’d learn how to work through it and he’d be able to live a normal life. 

Normal.

He’d tried that. He’d tried college and romantic relationships. He’d enrolled in a local university and, as chosen by his father, majored in law. He’d begun dating someone in his program, a wonderful second year student, a woman, but it had ended when she’d admitted that she could see that he wasn’t really into her, wasn’t into women in general. She’d been supportive and kind and had stayed by his side at first as his friend and then, when he’d left school, his business partner at the tattoo shop. He loved her as he had his noona. 

The second relationship had been with one of his first clients when the shop had opened in the original location. He’d been so alive that the air around him had seemed to vibrate with excitement. Without trying, he’d charmed everyone, including Yong Guk. Within days of meeting they were sleeping together. Within weeks they were living together in the small room above the shop. They were always together, pushing limits, living with an intensity that Yong Guk should have recognized as impossible to maintain. He’d stopped taking care of himself, skipped doctors appointments, forgot his medication, and ultimately, stopped sleeping. The man had left him, curled into himself on their bed, in their tiny room, trying to breath, trying to stay alive. He’d left and not come back. 

That that had been the most recent time Yong Guk had been in the hospital. He’d gone in and while he was there, he’d begged his business partner, his best friend, to end the lease on the shop and find a new location. He couldn’t go back there, he couldn’t continue to live in that tiny room. And she had. She’d found the new building across the alley from the bakery. She’d also found him several apartments for him to choose between, insisting that he couldn’t continue to live in the place where they ran their business. Once he’d decided, she’d arranged to have all of his things moved there. She’d unpacked and stocked the miniscule kitchen and placed a green plant on the only table that would fit in the single room as a welcome home gift. 

He’d been in the place for almost a year now. It had been just over a year since he’d gone back into the hospital, since he’d been left alone by someone he’d thought would always be there for him. Someone he’d thought had loved him because of who he was, not in spite of who he is. He cannot believe that he had let himself start to get attached to someone else at all, let alone so soon. How could he have allowed this to happen? He couldn’t leave the shop. He couldn’t force the business to move again because he was weak. He’d have to figure out how to work around it. He’d have to change things, change himself, so he wouldn’t get so involved. 

Flipping on the electric kettle, Yong Guk pulled the jar of citron tea from the refrigerator and spooned a small amount into one of the two mugs he owned. When the kettle shut off, he poured the boiling water on top of the tea and stirred it slowly until the gel dissolved leaving lemon peels slowly sinking to the bottom. He cupped the ceramic between his palms and let the warmth seep into his bones. This ritual had always calmed him, but now, the warmth reminded him of his early mornings with Dae Hyun, the heat from the hot chocolate warming more than hands. He sighed deeply and poured the tea into his sink, watching the the peels catch in the wire mesh of the drain stop. 

He opened the small cupboard where he stored his medications and pulled out the pill bottles, popping the top with his thumb and shaking a single pill from each into his palm. He swallowed them dry and cringed as he felt them slide down his throat. Yong Guk undressed to his boxers and slid into the bed, drawing the single blanket over his shoulders and turned toward the wall to fall asleep on his side. He felt his eyelids flutter and close, unable to keep them open after almost 20 hours of being awake, pushing through work and life and the last six hours trying to find Dae Hyun and then facing the reality of the situation. It was bright in the room, but he was exhausted and sleep thankfully came quickly. It was what he wanted, what he needed, and what he was so thankful that he could still obtain. 

  
  
  
  



	6. Cheesecake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dae Hyun pretends like he isn't going to order cheesecake

The room was already incredibly warm. Dae Hyun had turned the ovens on as soon as he had gotten to the bakery so they would be nice and hot when the dough was ready to bake. He had arrived with every intention of stocking the place with as much bread and as many baked treats as he possibly could during his shift. He’d missed the kitchens over the course of the last few days and though he valued his time off, he did absolutely love being here. He considered himself to be one of the lucky few people that had actually found their professional purpose in life. He hoped that one day, given time and adequate raises in salary, to have a home with an oven so he could bake there as well. 

He worked quickly, his fingers never once fumbling with the ingredients, to get everything in order so that when Yong Guk made his appearance he would be able to give him as much attention as possible. He felt bad for how things had gone the day before, how Yong Guk had left his basement apartment seemingly in a more depressed state than when he’d arrived. Dae Hyun wasn’t sure how it had happened, but something had clearly gotten under his skin or pushed him off kilter. But today he would get to the root of what happened and hopefully figure out how they could avoid things like that from happening in the future. 

Dae Hyun was a little afraid that maybe he’d given too much away during their conversation, that maybe he’d scared Yong Guk by revealing exactly how much he meant to Dae Hyun. Maybe he’d misread him and Yong Guk was really just a guy looking for someone to talk to after long hours at work. Maybe he wasn’t interested in Dae Hyun in the same way that Dae Hyun was interested in him. Maybe the connection that he felt wasn’t really there at all.

For over an hour he worked diligently, the bread rising, various cookies and pastries chilling, settling, or actually baking. Dae Hyun checked his phone for what seemed like the hundredth time in fifteen minutes to find that it was long past the time that Yong Guk normally made an appearance. He’d given the cat her milk, petting her sleek fur with his fingertips and whispering soothing words about how beautiful she was and how loved, but Yong Guk hadn’t come. He’d made a cup of hot chocolate and set a small dish of marshmallows next to it, and then prepared another mug when that one had cooled to an undesirable temperature. And still, Yong Guk hadn’t come. 

When the sun was fully in the sky and it was time to open the doors to hungry customers, Dae Hyun was physically prepared, but mentally off. He made silly mistakes on the cash register that he hadn’t made since his first days on the job, and he had a difficult time doing the simple math of creating a baker’s dozen for customers ordering a mix of items. It was ridiculous, but it couldn’t be helped. He was worried about Yong Guk and how sad he’d seemed the day before. He was starting to be even more concerned about what this absence meant.

At seven, when the additional staff began to arrive to accommodate for the morning rush and Dae Hyun was afforded his break, he exited through the back door and leaned against the building taking his first unhurried breath of the morning. He pulled the phone out of his back pocket and opened the texting app, bringing up Yong Guk’s newly added contact information to send a message. He hesitated for a moment, his doubts from before Yong Guk had shown up at his apartment returning. What if Yong Guk hadn’t missed him, what if Yong Guk didn’t really care. But he suppressed those thoughts and typed out a message to the other man letting him know that he’d returned to work and that his morning hadn’t been the same without him. He’d pushed send before he could second-guess himself and stuffed his phone back into his pocket before returning to work.

His message went unanswered.

The next morning Dae Hyun went through the same routine. He opened the kitchen and prepared it for the day. The dough was made and during the moments before the doors were opened, before he had to be ready for the day, he prepared a bowl of milk and mug of hot chocolate. And like the day before, the stray cat came for her breakfast, but Yong Guk didn’t appear. Dae Hyun began to feel a tinge of nausea. He typed up a follow-up text and sent it before he could stop himself, but again received no reply.

On the third day, Dae Hyun unlocked the door and propped it open with the cinder block before flipping on the lights. He turned on the ovens and pulled his hair, long overdue for a cut, back in the red bandana. As he worked his way around the room, pulling out ingredients and cooking utensils, he happened to look up from his tasks and notice someone walking past the bakery. It was Yong Guk. The man, dressed in his black leather jacket, seemed to hesitate at the door before continuing past. He kept his face down, hands pushed deep into the pockets of his coat. 

Dae Hyun rushed to the door, stepping out into the alley he called out, “Hey! Yong Guk!”

Yong Guk stopped in his tracts and paused before turning to answer, “Hey,” he voice a quiet rumble. 

“I...I missed you the last couple of mornings,” Dae Hyun started, speaking just a little louder than was probably necessary. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened,” Yong Guk said, “I’ve just had some things to take care of.”

“Oh,” Dae Hyun answered. The response seemed vague and unclear, so unlike Yong Guk’s usual forthright honesty. It set Dae Hyun on edge. “Did you want to come in this morning? I made you some hot chocolate. I have some pastries from yesterday that you might like.”

Yong Guk looked at the door, his expression shifting to what Dae Hyun interpreted as longing, but it lasted only a brief moment. When he turned back to Dae Hyun his features had returned to their usual guarded state. He shook his head once, “Sorry, I still have some things to...handle.” He shrugged his shoulders once and let a sad smile cross his lips, “I don’t think I’ll be able to come by anymore.”

Dae Hyung nodded, unable to articulate the myriad of questions circling his brain. His chest tightened, the muscles constricting around his heart. He knew, logically, that Yong Guk didn’t owe him anything. That he was probably more attached to the other man than was normal given the length of their relationship, and that it had never been clearly defined as any sort of relationship anyway. But it didn’t matter, watching him walk away as if the last few months hadn’t meant anything to him was painful. Dae Hyun had no other recourse than to acknowledge his ignored text messages and curse his presumption that they had meant more to each other than just two individuals. Perhaps Yong Guk’s showing up at his house had been nothing more than concern over someone he’d grown accustomed to, and now that he knew that Dae Hyun was safe and had returned to his normal patterns, it was enough. His absence was no longer a disruption.

He went back inside the bakery, working hard to focus his attention and energy on the tasks at hand. Dae Hyun was able to complete his shift without any major mishap and continue through the next several shifts in a similar fashion. 

A week passed and he had settled back into his lonely morning routine. At the end of his shift, Dae Hyun untied his apron and pulled the bandana off his head before slipping his arms into the hoodie he’d worn to keep off the morning chill. He had plans that afternoon to meet up with his upstairs neighbor, Sunhwa, at a coffee shop near where she worked while her daughter was still at school. The girl had recovered completely so the three of them had seen little of each other over the last several days.

They had, in the past, frequently met up like this once she and her daughter had moved to Seoul, and he’d resumed the habit of talking through his problems with her as a trusted confidant just as he had done when he was a teenager. Sunhwa was someone who had known him his whole life and had accepted him for who he was since he’d come out to her during high school. She’d not only continued to love him, but she’d grown fiercely protective of him. 

She’d been there for him when he’d had his first kiss with a boy that had called him out as a pervert in front of their whole school in order to save face. She’d consoled him through his first break up with an older man he’d developed a relationship with while still finishing his senior year. And she’d fully supported him when he’d decided to move to Seoul despite his parent’s protests. She was even the one that had convinced them that it was a good idea. He owed her so much, and if what she asked for in return was the occasional piece of cake at a coffee shop, he wasn’t going to complain. 

So, as necessitated by a long day in a hot kitchen, Dae Hyun returned to his apartment, showered, and dressed in fresh jeans and a button up dress shirt. It was nicer than was necessary, but because he rarely had the opportunity to dress up, he decided it was as good a time as any. 

He took the bus, because it was cheaper than the subway, to near where the coffee shop was situated and walked the remaining blocks to the establishment. As soon as he opened the door, his eyes fell on Sunhwa and he made his way over to her table. She stood as soon as he saw him come in and opened her arms for their usual hug. Feeling her small figure in his arms had always been comforting, and he was reminded that even though his love life hadn’t been easy, he’d always had this friendship to sustain him. As he wrapped his arms around her, he scanned the room out of habit, taking in the patrons as if he might recognize someone. In the four years he’d lived here, he never had, until today. On the other side of the room, Yong Guk sat at a table across from an attractive older woman. He was watching Dae Hyun from where he sat, his face an emotionless mask. It was jarring and Dae Hyun wasn’t sure how to react. Maybe if it had been last week, before his texts had been ignored and Yong Guk had so obviously wanted to be away from him, he could have spoken up or approached Yong Guk. But now, feeling cowed, he simply clung a little tighter to his friend before pulling away and choosing a seat facing away from the other man. 

It was clear that Sunhwa noticed that something had changed from the few moments before when he’d first come into the coffee shop. She looked at him with concern etched on her face. He smiled broadly, forcing himself to relax and pulled the menu from where it was positioned between the napkin holder and the bottle of honey used to sweeten coffee and teas. 

“You aren’t fooling anyone, Dae,” she said to him, reaching out to pull the menu from his grasp. 

“What’re you talking about,” he asked, forcing his features into a look of confusion.

“I’ve known you since you were four years old. This whole ‘cool’ act is bullshit,’ she said, “It’s as  fake as you looking at the menu when we both know you’ll order a piece of cheesecake and a black coffee.”

“Maybe I’ll get something different this time,” he replied, smiling at her with complete appreciation for how well she knew him.

“Whatever. Bullshit,” she said. 

“You kiss your child with that mouth?” he asked, jokingly.

“Every morning,” she responded, a smirk pulling at the corner of her lips, “Now tell me what happened.”

“It’s nothing,” he said, fingers reaching out for the menu again, wanting something to do with his hands, something to distract himself from the fact that the man he was currently missing was sitting behind him only a few feet away.

“So you aren’t completely thrown by the fact that the guy I found at your place is here?” Sunwha asked, closing the menu and slipping it back to the spot he’d taken it from. “You’re telling me you don’t care one bit that the guy you couldn’t shut up about last week is sitting over there with what looks like a super hot date?”

“You noticed,” Dae Hyun mumbled, picking at the edge of the table with his thumbnail.

“Oh, I saw,” she said, her face taking on a concerned expression, “and I also saw that despite you both noticing each other, you didn’t say anything. Did something happen? Why isn’t he saying something to you? Did he mess with you? Do I need to fuck him up?”

Dae Hyun’s head whipped up as he heard her voice take on a telltale edge, “Calm down. He didn’t do anything. He literally didn’t do anything.” Dae Hyun sighed despite himself, “I mean, we’ve been hanging out a lot the last few months...at work in the morning. But he’s obviously not interested. I must have misunderstood, or gotten confused or something. I’m sure it’s my fault.”

“Didn’t he just show up at your place the other day? Didn’t he say that he missed you and was worried about you?” She asked eyebrow quirked. 

“Yeah, but I haven’t really seen him since then, and when I finally did get to talk to him it was obvious that he wanted to get away.” Dae Hyun glanced over his shoulder to peek at Yong Guk. The woman sitting with him had reached across the tabled and was holding his hand between her own. He was looking down at the table, his expression hidden from view.

“Did you ask him  _ why  _ he didn’t want to talk to you?” Sunhwa prodded.

“Um, no,” he answered petulantly, “It was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to push the issue.”

“You know, if you just ask, sometimes you get an answer,” she said with a shrug, “I mean, I’m certainly not a shining example of how to maintain a relationship, but one thing I’ve learned in all of my years of messing up was that if you really want to know something, good or bad, you have to ask. You’re going to give yourself ulcers just stewing on it.”

Dae Hyun let out a deep sigh and reached out for the menu again. His appetite had left him completely, but he knew that if he didn’t at least put on a show that he was going to eat something, she would nag him relentlessly. 

“Finding someone to be with sucks, and I know that for you, finding someone seems a million times harder,” her words were spoken softly and with a certain measure of understanding, but as she continued they took on a sharper edge as if she knew that he needed a swift kick in the butt. “If you’re just going to sit by and let someone you’re interested in, that you feel connected to, walk out of your life without finding out why, I can’t help you. You deserve better than this, but you have to earn it too .”

He snorted at her words, he should have known better than to expect any coddling from this woman. 

“Do you know what you want?” she asked, tapping the table in front of him. Dae Hyun looked up to see her glancing over his shoulder at someone approaching their table.

“I want him to feel about me, the way I feel about him. Or at least tell me if I’ve gotten it all wrong.” Dae Hyun answered, feeling emboldened by her presence. “I want to know what I did wrong, and I want him to tell me. And I want cheesecake because cheesecake is the best.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” a deep voice spoke gruffly from behind him.

Dae Hyun spun in his seat to find Yong Guk and the woman he’d been with standing near his chair.

“What he means is, that you guys should talk,” the woman said, narrowing her eyes at Yong Guk before turning to smile kindly at Dae Hyun, “Would you mind moving over to our table? I’ve been dying to complain about Yong Guk to someone, and I think your friend here would be the perfect person to hear it.”

Dae Hyun looked at Yong Guk trying to determine if this was what he wanted, or if it was just going to be another awkward conversation that left him feeling terrible about himself and still not really understanding what was going on.

“Please?” Yong Guk asked, his face pained and maybe a little scared. 

 


	7. Milkshake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations ensue

Yong Guk sat uncomfortably across the table from Dae Hyun. He watched the other man pick at the piece of cheesecake on the generic white porcelain plate in front of him. He noticed that after their having sat there quietly for at least five minutes since the food had been delivered, Dae Hyun hadn’t yet taken a bite. Despite this, the cake had been poked and smashed into an unrecognizable mess.

Yong Guk cleared his throat with a forced cough, trying to free his voice from where it seemed to have been held prisoner since he’d asked Dae Hyun to speak with him. “I thought cheesecake was your favorite,” he finally said, gesturing at the dessert with his chin as he played with the straw in his own chocolate milkshake. 

Dae Hyun finally looked up from his plate, setting his fork on the table before grabbing his glass of water and taking a small sip through the clear plastic straw, “It is. I just...I’m not really hungry.”

“Since when do we have to be hungry to eat our favorite things?” Yong Guk asked in all seriousness, desperately trying to figure out how to start the conversation he knew they should have. He’d been surprised to hear, overhear really, that Dae Hyun had thought that he’d done something wrong. He, Yong Guk, hadn’t thought through how his own need to separate himself from Dae Hyun would impact the other man. It seemed that despite his obvious relationship with the woman that he’d met in the apartment, who had been with him here now, that Dae Hyun had at least grown attached to Yong Guk as a friend. That revelation brought both comfort and a different kind of pain. 

“I guess it’s less about not being hungry and more about feeling so incredibly confused about what the hell is going on,” Dae Hyun said with a snort, straightening himself in his seat as if he’d taken stock of his situation and decided to just boldly push the conversation to its inevitable conclusion. “What did I do? What happened in my apartment? Why won’t you even talk to me anymore?”

Yong Guk sighed, forcing the air from his lungs to make room for the courage he would need to survive this conversation. He’d thought about just making up some excuse about being busy, about changing his work shift, or about how he just didn’t have room in his life for another friend. But Dae Hyun, this man that had saved him from his own loneliness day after day for months, that he’d definitely developed feelings for, that was more important to him than he’d like to even admit to himself, deserved more. He deserved the truth. Yong Guk had never been one to lie, relying on silence or his gruff exterior to sever relationships and he supposed it had worked for him in the past. But he felt, for some inexplicable reason, like he owed Dae Hyun the truth.

“So nothing?” Dae Hyun said, shaking his head, “Ok, then I’ll start.” He put both of his hands on the table and took a deep breath before continuing, “I’m sorry if I did something to bother you and I’m sorry if being around me makes you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to...to put you in a weird position. I guess I just thought, or hoped that you were...looking for the same thing.”

Yong Guk listened to the words Dae Hyun had said, repeating them to himself and analyzing them silently in an attempt to interpret their meaning. He’d learned over their morning conversations that Dae Hyun was skilled at dancing around whatever it was was that he really wanted to say, that he used words as a way to protect himself where Yong Guk used silence. 

“Ok, I understand,” Dae Hyun said in response to Yong Guk’s continued silence, nodded his head before pushing his chair away from the table, “I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Wait,” Yong Guk said, his deep voice quiet and rough around the edges. Dae Hyun paused, seeming to give Yong Guk the time or the space he needed to put his thoughts into order and finally speak. “Wait. I have things I want to say. I just...I’m trying to figure out what you meant by you making me uncomfortable. I mean you didn’t do anything wrong. You and your girlfriend have every right to be...together. How I feel is on me.”

“My girlfriend?” Dae Hyun asked, his lips dropping into a deep frown, “I don’t have...I’ve never had…”

“I mean, I’m sorry for being abrupt or rude or whatever to your girlfriend and the kid...your kid... I just wasn’t ready to find out what it meant and then once I figured it out, I guess I just needed some time to separate myself from...things.” Yong Guk, usually so able to bluntly state whatever was on his mind felt himself tripping over the words. 

“You think Sunhwa is my girlfriend? Do you think her daughter is mine?” Dae Hyun’s eyebrows were drawn together in confusion, “I told you she was my upstairs neighbor’s kid. I didn’t lie.” Yong Guk could hear hurt in Dae Hyun’s voice.

Young Guk flinched, he hadn’t meant to accuse Dae Hyun of lying, hadn’t intentionally done so, but it irked him that it had been taken that way. The fact that he had been that good with, that loving toward his girlfriend’s daughter was just another example of how good Dae Hyun was. Of how kind. “No, I didn’t think you lied, I just...I’m doing a fucking shitty job of explaining myself.”

“You really are,” Dae Hyun said, his chair still pushed away from the table as if he was ready to flee the uncomfortable situation at any moment.

“Look, Hyosung, my  _ business partner _ ,” he sneered at the word, not sure that she deserved to be introduced as his best friend, “basically told me to get over myself and just talk to you or she’d pull out of the business. So here it is. I like...spending time with you. I’ve like our mornings together but I think I need to stop myself from getting too attached. I don’t want to get into it all, you probably don’t even want to know all of the details, but I guess I’ve just started to rely on you more than I should. It’s not fair to you.”

“What’s not fair? I don’t understand? What does Sunhwa have to do with us spending time together or you relying on me or not?” Dae Hyun pulled his chair closer to the table again and placed his hands on either side of the cake plate. 

“I don’t want my feelings to fuck anything up for you,” Yong Guk said, turning his head to look at the floor by his feet so he wouldn’t have to see Dae Hyun’s reaction to his almost confession.

“You’re feelings? For me?” Dae Hyun asked quietly, almost under his breath. Yong Guk could hear him moving in his seat, shifting his weight, “Sunhwa is the daughter of my parent’s best friends. We were raised together. We’ve been through…everything together. When I was trying to just survive, she was there for me. She was the only one there for me. When her husband, that bastard, destroyed her world, I did what I could for her. But we are not, nor will we ever be, together.” Yong Guk looked up at Dae Hyun then, “As much as I love her, and I really, really love her, she’s not my...type.”

“Type?” It was Yong Guk’s turn to feel off balance, to ask questions in his stilted way.

“I thought you didn’t want to be around me because you’d figured out that I like...I’m gay,” Dae Hyun lifted his chin as if in defiance. 

Young Guk felt his heart clench with a surge of emotions he couldn’t even begin to name, “You like…?”

Dae Hyun nodded.

“So you and that woman?” Yong Guk asked, trying to regain his footing in the conversation.

“Are like siblings,” Dae Hyun said, his lips curling around the word with a small smile. 

“And you like?” Yong Guk pressed.

“To be quite honest, I like you,” Dae Hyun said, his face paling as he said the words, obviously nervous about putting himself out there, but steeling himself for the consequences. 

“Me?” Yong Guk questioned, feeling out the idea, testing it to make sure he’d heard correctly.

“You,” Dae Hyun repeated, quietly as if he were unsure that he should, “I know it’s a lot and I’m sorry. That’s why I thought you were mad at me. You probably are now. Just don’t...you can just ignore me. Like you were planning to anyway.”

Yong Guk sat back in his chair, stunned. He didn’t know what to do or how to respond. This was so much to take in. It was everything he’d not dare to hope for and he was scared that it would be too much. He was so afraid that he would ruin it. Minutes passed with him looking between his hands curled on his lap and Dae Hyun’s face, trying to read his thoughts. He couldn’t bring himself to react or to respond. His heart ached with happiness but his mind was getting in his way.

“So, yeah,” Dae Hyun finally cut in, “I’ll go.” He pushed back his chair and stood up to leave. “I, uh, thank you. For everything over the last few months. Thanks for spending time with me and for worrying about me. It means a lot. I’m sorry if I read more into that than you meant, but I did and it was really nice.” 

Dae Hyun turned on his heel and walked toward the table where Hyosung and Sunhwa sat.  Yong Guk watched as he whispered something into his friend’s ear and then bowed politely to Hyosung. He turned and made his way around the tables toward the exit. Sunhwa stood, grabbed her purse from where she’d hung it on the back of her chair, and followed after him.

“Wait,” Yong Guk said quietly, almost to himself before raising his voice. “Wait!” he nearly shouted, surprising Dae Hyun, the other customers, and himself. Dae Hyun stopped and hesitated before turning around to look at Yong Guk expectantly. “I...I’m not mad you,” Yong Guk said clearly, “I’m about as far from mad at you as someone can be. I just didn’t expect you to say...to say that. I need some time to think about it. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but it’s...really good.”

Dae Hyun’s expression shifted slightly, no longer looking entirely dejected, “You mean, you don’t hate me?”

Yong Guk shook his head slowly, “I don’t hate you so much it kind of hurts.”

Dae Hyun’s lips curled into a tentative smile, “That’s weirdly flattering.”

“Can we talk...talk more tomorrow?” Yong Guk asked hopefully. 

“After you’ve had some time to think,” Dae Hyun said, nodding emphatically, “Yeah, we should talk more tomorrow.”

Yong Guk felt his own lips turning up at the corners of their own accord.

  
  
  



	8. Coffee and Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has found a home

**Eight Months Later**

 

This wasn’t the first time he had stood in the dark alley smelling the air and watching the man, the baker, work his way meticulously through his early morning routine, nor would it be the last. The first time it had happened, Yong Guk had been closing up his new tattoo parlor for the night. It had been over a year ago, around 3:00 in the morning, a session with a client having gone well beyond the time he had estimated it would take. As he had locked the door and slipped his keys into his front pocket, there had been a racket from one of the shops a few doors down and across the narrow lane. It had sounded like metal clanging against the ground. He’d never seen anyone in the alley this late at night, or early in the morning before, and the intrusion felt both unexpected and potentially unwelcome. He’d been wrong though, it wasn’t unwelcome, in fact, it was the most welcome thing he’d ever experienced. 

This time, the sound of the baker’s voice, so loud compared to the silence of the alley, made Yong Guk smile. He leaned back against the stone wall behind him, getting comfortable, and watched the man greet a stray cat, a different stray cat than he’d seen that first time. The orange tabby, one Yong Guk had still not been able to befriend, padded straight up to the man and rubbed its face on his outstretched hand as if reaffirming an existing truce. The baker had smiled at the animal and whispered to it. They were too far away for Yong Guk to make out any of the words, but the murmured sounds were friendly and soothing. It was all so familiar and Yong Guk reveled in how comfortable it was to have that kind of relationship with another person, with this particular person.  

“Are you just going to lurk over there like some creep?” Dae Hyun asked loudly, running his fingers around cat’s ears before placing a small bowl of milk on the ground in front of it.

Yong Guk pushed himself off the wall and sauntered over to where Dae Hyun was squatting next to the cat. He reached out his hand, palm up, and waited for Dae Hyun to grab hold before pulling him to his feet. “That was some idyllic scene you had going on there. I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt.” 

“Idyllic, huh?” Dae Hyun asked, dropping Yong Guk’s hand to brush his palms on the apron tied around his waist. “Get in the kitchen before your coffee gets cold,” he said as he gestured toward the propped open door with his chin. 

“Coffee?” Yong Guk asked, “Where’s my hot chocolate?” 

“You,” Dae Hyun said, poking Yong Guk in the chest with his forefinger, “have to stay awake until at least two today. Don’t forget, the oven’s being delivered to the apartment between ten and noon and then you promised to pick up Hanbyul after school for Sunhwa since she’s working that extra shift. Hyosung said she’d come by at two to watch her so you could sleep.”

“Tell me why we didn’t have the oven delivered on your day off?” Yong Guk asked, pushing his bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. 

“Because you bought that for me as a housewarming gift, and you wanted to be the one to get it installed in our place so I could come home to something special,” Dae Hyun said cocking his eyebrow mockingly.

“Right,” Yong Guk said with a sharp nod of his head, “right. Gift.”

Dae Hyun sighed, “Why did I ever agree to move in with you?”

“Because you love me,” Yong Guk said, a sly smile spreading across his lips as he reached out and grabbed Dae Hyun by the hips, pulling him close enough that he could sniff out the flour already in his hair and the yeast on his skin. 

“You’re damn lucky you’re so cute,” Dae Hyun said before pressing a quick kiss to Yong Guk’s smile. He wiggled out of Yong Guk’s hold, stooping down to get the now empty milk bowl from the ground, and turned toward the kitchen door, “Come drink your coffee. I have bread that needs to go into the ovens and cookies dying to be made.”

“You have tomorrow off,” Yong Guk said, following his boyfriend into the bakery.

“I do,” Dae Hyun confirmed, “and so do you.” He made his way to the large, steel sinks and turned on the hot water. He pumped soap into his palms and worked up a good lather before rinsing them off and drying his hands on a towel he’d undoubtedly laid out for that purpose early that morning. 

“And we’re staying in, right?” Yong Guk asked, resting on a stool that Dae Hyun had placed in the corner nearest the door months ago. He’d wanted Yong Guk to feel comfortable in the kitchen, but to stay as far away from the work area as possible. Dae Hyun was a loving partner, but he was also pragmatic enough to know that Yong Guk hovering around made for a complicated work environment. Especially now that they were physically satisfied...more than satisfied, really, but they’d also grown into a place where they were no longer scared to argue, to share their annoyance, to express the bad along with the good.

It had been difficult at first, working through a series of halting conversations as they felt each out, learned each other’s defenses, discovered that they’d wanted the same thing. With this groundwork established, it has been natural for them to continue communicating. This give and take had been so foreign to Yong Guk that he’d been afraid something was wrong with their relationship from the very start. He was afraid that it was all too easy, or too hard. Knowing what was bothering Dae Hyun, knowing what he could fix, and talking through what he couldn’t, had been intimidating. It had felt like knowing what was wrong before it became a problem meant that something was broken. He’d panicked. He’d locked himself away again, not speaking to Dae Hyun for three straight days. Until Dae Hyun had come, unlocking the door with the key Hyosung had given him, and slipped into Yong Guk’s bed next to him. He’d curled an arm around Yong Guk’s waist and pressed his chest into Yong Guk’s back. He’d breathed in a steady rhythm next to his ear. He’d stayed with him. 

Dae Hyun hadn’t run away when Yong Guk had told him about his depression. He hadn’t accused him of being weak or blamed him for his illness. In fact, he’d recommended that Yong Guk go to the therapist to talk about what was scaring him. He’d offered to go with him for as many sessions as he’d wanted to make sure that they were going about everything in the best possible way. He’d been supportive in the way Hyosung was supportive, but even more so. He’d been, and continued to be, a light at the end of the tunnel. Yong Guk had fallen in love. 

Six months into their relationship Yong Guk had asked Dae Hyun to move in with him, or rather, to get a bigger place with him. It had pained Yong Guk that Dae Hyun’s apartment had never felt like a home to his boyfriend, that the only thing he really cared about was its proximity to Sunhwa and Hanbyul. And it also bothered him that his own rooftop apartment, so necessarily simple when he’d been on his own, wasn’t enough for Dae Hyun. Not that he’d ever complained. Not that he’d even shown any sign that the small apartment with the view was anything less than heaven. But Yong Guk knew that he could do better, could provide more for Dae Hyun. So he’d asked him to shop for a larger space, a better space, and then to move in with him. It had taken five weeks to find the right apartment, close to Sunhwa, with a full kitchen, and a space that could be used as an art studio for Yong Guk. They’d both known right away that it was the perfect apartment. Yong Guk had insisted on paying the fee for breaking Dae Hyun’s lease early, and they had spent an entire weekend packing both apartments and combining their stuff into a single household. 

He’d known that an oven was the perfect gift for Dae Hyun, that he’d been dying to have a place to bake, to work his culinary magic, at home. But he’d been lost in a sea of options and had had to reveal his plan prematurely. Dae Hyun had been struck dumb by even the thought of owning his own oven. He’d claimed it was too much, that he couldn’t accept it. It had taken an hour of convincing him that really it was Yong Guk that benefited the most from the oven, from the baked goods that it would produce before Dae Hyun would acquiesce. In return for even the idea, Dae Hyun had gifted him with an easel and a set of oil paints well outside of his meager budget. Nobody had ever given him art supplies like this. Nobody until Dae Hyun had understood just how important art was to him. Tattooing was a career, but the art of it is what fed him. Dae Hyun recognized that and Yong Guk had fallen even deeper. 

So here he sat, tired from long hours in the tattoo shop, drinking hot coffee with the perfect amount of cream, bolstering himself to stay awake for his afternoon obligations, smiling. He watched as Dae Hyun moved fluidly around the kitchen and felt his chest swell with pride and love and warmth. For the first time, his heart felt too big for his body. He was sincerely and genuinely happy. 

“I fed Cat before I came in this morning, so even if she begs, don’t feed her,” Dae Hyun was saying, “She’s gained a full pound in the last month and the vet said that we’ve been spoiling her.” 

“She deserves to be spoiled,” Yong Guk said, “She went so long with one bowl of milk in the morning and whatever she could catch. She deserves meals and big treats.”

Dae Hyun sighed, “You really are wrapped around her little paw. You always have been.”

“I can’t help it if I’m a sucker for stray,” Yong Guk answered, shrugging his shoulders, “She reminds me of someone I once knew.”

“You were never a stray, Yong Guk,” Dae Hyun pursed his lips as he poured just the right amount of milk into a large mixing bowl without using the measuring cup.

“I was and we both know it,” he shot back, “But you rescued us both and we’re happy for it, even if we’ve both put on some weight in the process.”

“You were skin and bones,” Dae Hyun looked up at him then, taking in the sight of him, “and I prefer a little meat on my man. It lets me know I’ve taken care of him well.”

Yong Guk shook his head in amusement. He sipped at the coffee and felt the warmth move down his throat and spread through his stomach. He watched Dae Hyun for a few moments longer, mixing, shaping, and transporting cookie dough from the counters to the oven. He rested his head against the wall of the kitchen and cradled the warm mug between his palms. He was happy. They were happy. 

  
  
  
  



End file.
